


Personal Log

by Joan963z



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: AU, Alternate Universes, Angst, Drama, M/M, Other: See Story Notes, h/c, other pairing - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 10:33:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/797490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joan963z/pseuds/Joan963z
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Sentinel rescues an emotionally and physically wounded guide from a pirate's keep. Can the sentinel bring his chosen guide into a lasting and healthy bond?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Personal Log

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. I am only keeping the fandom alive in our hearts.  
> Acknowledgments: Thank you to Kerensa my Beta  
> Dedication: To Neichan who inspired this plot bunny with her story "Bought  
>   
> This story is told through entries in the sentinel's personal log and the guide's journal and friends and family's diaries. Jim and Blair do appear in this story but they are not the main characters.  
> 

## Personal Log

#### by JoanZ JemZ

**CHAPTER 1**

Personal Log 

August 17, 2007 

We raided a pirate's keep today. They held five Guides, three female and two male, two of the females were pregnant, all were malnourished. 

God the stink of the place and it wasn't just my Sentinel nose. They kept them in a pen with only a bucket for sanitation. They slept on the floor without even the comfort of a blanket; their only solace was in each other's arms. I don't know how long the pirates had them; the Guides aren't talking much, too traumatized. 

I took one of the Guides for my own. He's a fighter, that one. When we attacked the keep some of the pirates tried to get the Guides out. He fought, hard, and stalled them long enough for us to get to the back room where they were being held. He paid the price too, got himself a dislocated shoulder and stress fractures of the wrist but he also got himself a Sentinel to bond with, me. He's too weak now to claim. I need to get him healthy and gain his trust. No point to a bond without trust, that's my point of view, not everyone's, but it is mine. 

The pirates are all dead, of course. They hurt Guides. Three of the pirates were Sentinels. Taking the Guides I can understand, even forgive. Ten percent of the population is Sentinels; only seven percent are Guides and not all of them old enough to bond. What would I do if I were not part of the Sentinel elite? I always knew I would have a Guide someday, but what if I were equally sure that I would never have a Guide? Would I have done it, taken a Guide against his or her will? Maybe. But that doesn't explain the abuse, forcing them to live in filth and denying them food, that I can't understand or forgive. 

* * *

August 18, 2007 

My Guide had a nightmare last night. The smell of fear woke me up; so pungent it catapulted me out of sleep. I grabbed my Guide and rolled off the bed, ready to kill whatever was threatening my Guide. It took me a few minutes to realize it was a nightmare that caused the fear. I took him to the bathroom and drew a warm bath. I soothed him as best I could and washed away the smell of fear on his skin. He apologized. My Guide apologized to me because of what those bastards did to him. I laughed. Not the right reaction judging from the way he stiffened in my arms. So I told him that he had nothing to apologize for and attempted to make up for it by feeding him hot chocolate and cookies after the bath. I suppose nightmares will be a part of our life for a while. I'll make sure he has something in his stomach before he goes to bed for the night. Perhaps that will help. 

The rest of the day went fairly well. I got Guide Leave for an undetermined amount of time and I filed an Intent To Bond certificate. I explained to him that I had no intention of forcing a bond; I would wait until he wants me as much as I want him. He seemed neither enthusiastic nor reluctant to the idea. 

We went out and bought a new wardrobe for him, one hundred percent Egyptian cotton. Only the best for my Guide. He didn't want it. He said it was too much money. I wouldn't have it of course. He is my Guide; I fell in love with him when I saw him fight so valiantly. He doesn't know it of course. I can't tell him yet, but I will tell him when he is ready. When he gets his full health back and regains all the weight and muscle he has lost, I'll buy new clothes for him. 

I took him to the gym. He can't work out until the shoulder and the stress fractures heal but I talked to an injury specialist and he will work up an exercise program for him so everything will be ready to go when he is. It felt good just having my Guide sitting on the sidelines watching me workout. 

My Guide, I seem to be using those words a lot. I like to use them and write them. I have waited a long time for the privilege but this Guide was worth waiting for. 

* * *

August 19, 2007 

Another night, another nightmare. I pulled him onto the floor again. He hit his injured shoulder and gave out a terrible yelp. We took a warm shower and had another round of hot chocolate and cookies. 

I don't know what to do about my reaction to his nightmares. I might be able to change it but do I really want to? The last thing I want is to hesitate if there is any real danger. The only other option is making the floor softer. I could turn the room into a nest but I don't know if that will trigger my need to bond. I promised him that I would not force a bond and I will keep that promise. 

I was concerned about his shoulder. I told him I was sorry I hurt him. He told me it wasn't my fault that the nightmare was at fault. Is that what Guides do, offer comfort, even when they are in pain themselves? I haven't been around Guides very much; bonded sentinels keep the un-bonded away. I used to wonder about that. I thought it was just Sentinel etiquette but now I know it's more than that. He's already a part of me and I know if I lost him I would loose half of myself. Strange how fast that happened. 

Evening: 

I'm no longer engaged to be married. My fianc... no she is my x-fianc, came by and gave me an ultimatum: get rid of the Guide or lose her. My Guide was standing right there and she acted like he was a thing that I could just throw out in the trash. It's hard to believe a bonded Sentinel brought her up. 

We had agreed that I would not look for a Guide until after our first anniversary. "The best laid plans..." is all I can say about that. The thing is I didn't even think about her and our agreement. One sniff, one look, and my Guide was the only thought in my head, that and killing the bastards that hurt him. 

I told her that I was keeping my Guide and she should leave _Now_! That's when she dropped the bombshell. "Daddy will hear about this." 

Was I really engaged to a woman that called her father daddy? 

Fact is I didn't care what "Daddy" did about it. True he put me on the fast track to making captain, but I worked hard for that too. He told me once that all he did was put a bug in a few ears to get me noticed. It was how I performed that would be the determining factor for my promotion. 

Well "Daddy" came by an hour later with his Guide. He assured me that he would take no action against me for breaking up with his daughter. He congratulated me on finding a Guide and on the fine work we did clearing out "those bastard pirates and Sentinels that had fallen from grace." Sometimes he says things in the weirdest way. 

So she is out of my life. I wonder if I ever really loved her? I thought I did. 

* * *

**CHAPTER 2**

Personal Log 

August 20, 2007 

Last night he moved closer to me in the bed. He had always curled up, pretty much in a fetal position, hugging a pillow, right on the edge of the bed. He still sleeps curled up with the pillow but away from the edge now. I wonder if he will ever hug me like that? 

I put mats on the floor last night, in case we went over the edge again. I explained that I didn't dare build a nest. I told him I was pretty sure it would trigger a bonding thrall, even if I asked another Sentinel to build one, just seeing it with his scent in the room... I didn't want to chance it. Talking about a nest got a reaction and I had to go into the shower and take care of business. I hoped he would come to me, seeing my need; I know he saw it. But he didn't come and I stood in the shower, with my forehead leaning against the cold tile, grieving for my Guide. Grief is the only word I have for the emotion I felt. He went through hell. Maybe I feel grief because I can't turn back the clock and save him from it. My Dad was always fond of saying, "The best metal goes through the fire." Well my guide went through the fire and he certainly showed his metal when he fought the pirates. Still...if I could turn back the clock and save him I would do it in an instant. 

He has never shown any resistance to me caring for him. In that way he reminds me of a teddy bear. He lets me wash him, feed him, clothe him and remains passive through it all. There was only that one time he resisted me, that's when he said I was spending too much money on his clothes. 

And then this morning he washed my back, just my back. I got hard of course. He stopped and said he was sorry, but he wasn't ready yet. "Yet," he used the word _Yet_. I wonder if he realizes what a wonderful sound that word makes. I wanted to kiss him. But instead I just brushed the tears from his face and told him I would wait. 

* * *

August 21, 2007 

We went to the mall today. The plan was to go to a movie. I just wanted to do normal things and make him feel like he's part of the world again. But the cosmos had other plans. 

We were walking in the mall window-shopping. We saw a nice leather jacket in a window and we laughed about buying two so we could dress alike. We were enjoying ourselves and I was holding his hand, not an unusual thing for a Sentinel courting a Guide. That's when everything went to hell in a hand basket. 

A kid on roller shoes came straight at us. I just had enough time to pull my Guide out of the way. The kid turned his head and yelled "Fagot" as he passed us and slammed into an old lady that was walking behind us. She hit the floor with a scream and split her head open, the kid landed on top of her. I grabbed the kid up and my Guide looked after the woman, who was bleeding. I had the kid against a store window and was frisking him for weapons and reciting his rights when his dad came along and started yelling about some pervert feeling up his boy. I ID'ed myself as a Sentinel but daddy dearest didn't want to listen. He grabbed me and was about to punch me out so I let go of the kid and put dear old dad against the wall. The kid started kicking me while I was dealing with the father but my Guide grabbed him and pulled him away. Meanwhile mommy dearest arrived and started screaming, "Sentinel brutality." I yelled for someone to call an ambulance and the police. I arrested the kid and his father and when the uniforms got there they took the pair to the station. We had to follow in our car; I was the arresting officer. 

When we got to the station Jim and Blair were there. They had finally broken the stolen car ring. I congratulated them on their collars and introduced them to my Guide. 

Jim wasn't in on the pirate raid but he and Blair knew about it. Jim has made his share of black market raids. I'm sure he could scent that my Guide hadn't been properly claimed, but he still treated us like bonded Sentinel and Guide. He noticed the blood on my Guide's clothes right away. I told him it was from the woman that the kid knocked over. But still, when a Sentinel sees blood on a Guide it makes him very uneasy. 

Blair invited us out for a drink before we went home. That got a low growl from Jim who knew I needed to get my Guide out of those bloody clothes ASAP. Blair, unfazed by the growl, said he'd take a rain check on the drink but only if we agreed to dinner along with the drink, which I think was the plan all along. 

Blair is a good Guide; if I had to describe him I would say he is soothing effervescence. I like Blair and now that I have a Guide I'm sure Jim will be less of a wall between us and I will get to know him better. 

* * *

August 22, 2007 

I took my Guide to the doctor today. His shoulder and wrists are healing well. My Guide asked about swimming but the doctor said not yet, he needs to give himself another month to heal and gain some weight. The doctor suggested we keep exercise to walking or light jogging. 

My Guide mentioned the nightmares and asked if there was anything that could be done about them. The doctor said no, not unless he was getting less the 6 hours sleep a night, then he could prescribe medication but that would stop dreaming all together and dreaming was a healing process. He told my Guide to be patient, post traumatic stress disorder often took time to quiet but it would quiet. He suggested that he talk about his nightmares. My Guide said he didn't think he could do that so the doctor suggested that he keep a journal instead. I asked about counseling and the doctor thought that was a good idea. So now my Guide has a journal and we have an appointment next week with a counselor. I should have thought of the journal sooner. 

* * *

Guide's Journal 

8/22/07 

The Sentinel bought me this journal today. It's a nice one too, leather bound, real leather not the imitation stuff, and it has a lock, he even had my name stamped in gold on the cover. This Sentinel seams to enjoy spending money on me. It makes me uncomfortable, like he is trying to buy me. But he is also very patient with me. I know he wants to bond with me but I just can't respond, or rather my body won't. I just stand passive. 

He saved my life and for that I am grateful. That kidnapper was about to kill me. I would be dead if it weren't for him. I don't know why he chose to bring me home with him. I was a mess. He has been nothing but gentle and protective of me. He doesn't even get angry when I wake him up with the nightmares. 

I saw him kill three kidnappers but he is so different with me. I always scoffed at "The Blessed Protector" thing. I thought it was just a romantic notion. But now I wonder. I feel the pull to him, and that is a surprise. _I know_ that I belong with him; _I know_ it in my soul, no less. I felt nauseous when his fianc gave him the ultimatum. She is a very beautiful woman, but he chose me. That's when all my doubts about becoming a bonded Guide dissolved and the knowing got locked into my mind. Is that the beginning of a bond? 

I wish I could bring myself to respond even in some small way. Although, I did washed his back in the shower and he got aroused. Half of me thinks it was a stupid thing to do, teasing him like that, but I feel so adrift and touching him grounds me. How ironic is that? Isn't it a guide's job to ground his sentinel? 

It's been less then a week since he rescued me; I need to give myself time. 

* * *

**CHAPTER 3**

Personal Log 

August 23, 2007 

Another night, another nightmare. I was going to do our warm shower followed by hot chocolate and cookies again, but he said no. He just wanted me to hold him. "If it's not too much for you," he said in an apologetic voice. As if it would ever be too much for me to hold my Guide. I told him it was impossible for a Sentinel to feel it was too much to care for a Guide. So, I held him and I stroked him and I purred to him. That is the first time I ever purred. I had heard it just happens when a Guide needs it, but I never believed that. I just thought it would never happen with me. 

I got aroused, of course, and that bothered him. That's when I found out he feels guilty about being unable to respond to me. I told him he wasn't the guilty party. He offered to relieve me by hand but I could tell he didn't really want to, he just felt bad about "teasing" (his word) me. So I said no. 

I told him I could tell he was working hard on recovering from his ordeal and it meant a lot to me that he was able to let me hold him. That's when he told me he craved my touch, and I kissed him. It wasn't a demanding kiss, it was soft and sweet, and then he cuddled in even closer to me and I began to purr again. We fell asleep in each other's arms and were still in each other's arms when we woke up this morning. 

I love him, in spite of the problems. It makes me wonder, is love dependent of flaws? Are our flaws the toeholds that love needs to take root and grow? My mom used to say that it is our imperfections that make us lovable; I never understood it. I loved my Mom and to me, she was perfect. 

Now I love my Guide, my flawed, imperfect, struggling to heal Guide. Is there any greater bliss for a Sentinel? 

* * *

Guide's Journal 

8/23/07 

I had another nightmare last night but I said no to a warm shower and a snack. I just wanted him to hold me. 

We talked. I said a lot of things that would have been difficult to say if I had to look at his face, but laying there in the dark with his arms around me and my cheek against his chest gave me strength to say them. 

I admitted to him I craved his touch but I felt that I was being a tease to ask for it when I couldn't truly respond in the way I knew he wanted me to. He was very firm about a Sentinel's need to care for a Guide. He said he was far more comfortable being able to touch me and hold me than he would be if I couldn't tolerate his touch. Anyway, we ended up kissing. I offered to relieve him by hand but he knew I made the offer from a sense of obligation and he said no. He wants more from our relationship and he's willing to wait. He simply won't accept less. I suppose that could be looked on as selfish, but I don't think it is. What he is doing, he is doing for us, and day by day and step by step I am beginning to see that this is an extraordinary man and I may just be a very lucky Guide to be chosen by such a Sentinel. 

* * *

Personal Log 

Evening, August, 23 

She came back, my ex-fianc. I wasn't happy to see her. She said she was willing to give me a second chance, that she was just taken by surprise because I broke my word to her about waiting until we were married a year before taking a Guide. I told her that I was glad it happened, I could see more clearly now. I told her I have no regrets about our engagement being broken, that I don't love her and I'm not sure I ever did. 

With that statement she lost her composure, (I am being a gentleman here.) and I asked her to leave as I escorted her out the door. She stood in the hallway, screaming at the closed and locked door. "Daddy is not going to stand for this insult." I cringe when I think of what my life could have become had I not been the Sentinel chosen to lead the raid on the pirate Guide traffickers. 

I wouldn't bother to mention any of this, except she upset my Guide. I told him I feel only relief that we are no longer engaged. That was no comfort to him. He worries that I am also mistaken about my feelings toward him. I smiled at that. He thought I didn't understand and that I was downplaying his feelings, but it wasn't that. I smiled because what he was saying, between the lines, was that he wants me and doesn't want to lose me. 

I just want to lick his entire body. I wonder if he will let me taste him tonight? 

* * *

Guide's Journal 

Evening 8/23/07 

That woman was here again, the one he was engaged to. She pulled a nutty when my Sentinel told her that he didn't love her and did not want a second chance. He put her out the door and she stood in the hallway screaming threats even I could hear. 

I think he was more upset about my distress than he was about her screaming in the hallway. To look at her you would think she is the picture of decorum, but she acts like an alley cat. I suppose she is just fighting for what she wants, but I can't feel any warmth coming from her, so I don't think she is fighting for the man she loves. 

The Sentinel spent a long time stroking me and talking with me while she was out in the hallway and after she left. He smiled when I asked him, what if he is wrong about his feelings for me? But...what if I am only the Guide he wants, not the man he loves? Could I live with that the rest of my life? I shouldn't be asking myself these questions. I know better! 

I can feel his warmth when he touches me, I can hear it when he speaks to me. Still, I worry, is it only wishful thinking? Am I lying to myself? How can a man like him want me after what was done to me? When he looks at me, with those impossibly blue eyes, it is as if I am pristine, not someone who has been defiled, repeatedly raped by rogue Sentinels and pirates alike. 

And I did nothing while they raped the female Guides, he would have fought to the death for them, I know he would. Has he forgiven me my passivity? Has it even occurred to him that I survived by not fighting? How can a man like him love me? 

* * *

**CHAPTER 4**

Personal Log 

August 24, 2007 

We had a better night last night. He still woke up but the fear was not nearly as pungent as it has been. We cuddled and I purred; we kissed and I licked. He stiffened up when I got below his shoulders so I stopped. He put his arms around me and hugged me. No words, just comfort and lots of little kisses. I was going to go into the bathroom to take care of my need but he didn't want me to leave. He wanted to take care of me himself and he meant it. He rubbed me with one hand while I kissed and licked him. With the awkward angle and the one hand only, I'm not sure if it was the worst hand job I ever had or the sweetest and most wonderful. Well, I came all over his belly. I suppose I came and that was very important to him. He let me rub the cum into him. I explained it was a Sentinel thing, marking what's mine with scent. I washed most of it off in the shower this morning but I left just enough for a Sentinel to smell. This guide is mine and no way will I let another Sentinel make the mistake that he is available. 

We went to a counselor today. She is good. It took her all of ten minutes to get to the crux of the problem, survivor's guilt. It seems my Guide feels like I will eventually reject him because he did not die protecting the female Guides from rape. I told him he is not a Sentinel, he is a Guide, and our responsibilities lay in different areas. I explained that he fought when it counted and that was the smart thing to do. He seemed a bit relieved by that but we are still dealing with the PTSD. 

We talked about the nightmares. They involve the rapes of course. The counselor thinks we are doing the right thing by letting my Guide set the pace of our bonding. She says that as long as there is progress it is good. It is only if things get stalled that I should very gently nudge my guide, but she doubts that I will ever have to do that as my Guide is making excellent progress. That made my Guide blush. It seemed an odd reaction and I just looked at him in total confusion. 

The dear lady didn't let the moment pass. She questioned him about it. 

He said that in his heart and mind he wants to bond with me, but he feels his body is betraying him. He wants to respond (blushing again) but his body just shuts down. 

"The door is ajar, Love," I told him. "In time it will open wide and we will walk through together." 

* * *

Guide's Journal 

8/24/07 

My Sentinel never seems to tire of giving me comfort. The nightmares have changed. I wake up now before they get quite so bad. I wake up to go to safety; I go to my Sentinel. 

He is always awake when I am. I wonder why that is? I have heard that Sentinel and Guide synchronize, their heartbeat, breathing, sleeping, even their need to pee. How weird is that? But I thought it happens after bonding. Have we started to bond? 

Anyway, we kind of made out last night. Not the hot, steamy, back seat of the Chevy, from my high school days, but we kissed and he licked me. It was nice, pleasant until he headed for my nipples. That's when I went stiff on him. That is everything except the one part that I wanted to go stiff. I know he doesn't understand why I suddenly turned off like that and I don't know how to tell him. One of the pirates liked to bite nipples. He never drew blood. The others knew about his fetish and told him if he mutilated any of us they would do the same to him. So he left bruises but no scars, but it still hurt like hell. How can I tell my sentinel something like that? I'm a grown man; I'm not in that situation anymore. Why can't I just get over it? 

The counselor we saw said I have nothing to feel guilty about. She said I am healing. Easy for her to say. She isn't sleeping in a bed with a man she wants to love. And I do want to love him. He is so patient and strong and true to his moral code. I love the thought of being chosen by him. I love the thought of being his Guide. I love the thought of bonding with him and spending the rest of my life with him. I want to be hot and hard and demanding, not a cold, flaccid, lump. I want my love to take action. I want to stop wanting it and start doing. 

Talking about sex in front of the counselor made me blush. I had the picture of last night in my mind when he came on my stomach and he marked me with his scent. I think I will ask him to mark me again tonight. I know it is a small thing but it is something, a beginning. I think it will make him happy and I very much want to make him happy. 

* * *

**CHAPTER 5**

Personal Log 

August 25, 2007 

I was sitting at my desk, working, when I picked up the scent of his tears. I turned in the chair and he was standing across the room, looking at me, with tears rolling down his cheeks. It was confusing. There was no scent of fear; it smelt like a combination of joy, apprehension, and confusion. I asked him what the matter was as I stood to go to him and his words stopped me in my tracks. 

"You're my Sentinel (?)." 

I'm not sure if it was a question or a statement. I just stood there watching a tear roll down his cheek, I could see the wet track it left behind as it was pulled slowly downward by gravity, and than it stopped, glistening in the sunlight that shown through the window. It balanced there, at the tip of his chin, unwilling to let go struggling not to drop. I went to him then and caught the salty drop on my tongue; I traced the wet trail upward to catch another tear as it rolled down his cheek. 

"Yours!" I told him. It wasn't the soft way a Guide would say it to a Sentinel. This was firm and meant to erase any apprehension he was feeling that I would reject belonging to him. I pulled him close, breathing in the scent of his tears and offering what small comfort I could give to my emotionally wounded Guide. 

I can't say that I blame him for thinking my rejection was a possibility. The public believes, that as far as a Sentinel is concerned, the Guide belongs to the Sentinel, not the other way around. I never thought about it before, but when a Sentinel introduces his Guide to others he always says, "This is my Guide..." but when a guide introduces the Sentinel he is bonded to, he uses Sentinel as a title, a guide never introduces a Sentinel as "My Sentinel." I think I will mention this to Blair. He may want to look into it. It's an interesting anthropological question. 

But Sentinels know they belong to their Guide as much as the Guide belongs to them. To be bonded with a Guide is to have control, stability and life. How could we not belong to our Guides? 

So we stood there holding each other and I noticed that we were breathing in sync and our hearts were beating in sync. "We've bonded," I told him. 

He said he knew, he could feel it and that he hadn't thought it possible without... He still has trouble even saying sex. But we have been having sex; heavy petting is sex, just no intercourse yet. Then he surprised me and asked me to mark him with my scent. "Like we did last night," he said. He didn't have to ask me twice. I took him to the bedroom and let him know with touch and words just how much he means to me and his cock responded. Not much, just a little extra blood flow to the area, but enough for a Sentinel to notice. The bellybutton rimming seemed to do it. (I got no reaction from nipple stimulation.) I was willing, yearning would be more accurate, to drink from him but didn't want to push it. Still it was more of a reaction then I had ever gotten before. I figured if he wanted me to drink he would let me know, he didn't indicate that he wanted more, so I wait. He wore my scent willingly and he wore it because I belong to him. 

This evening we will be going to Jim and Blair's home for dinner. I hope all goes well. 

* * *

Guide's Journal 

8/25/07 

My Sentinel... 

I suddenly realized that I have been referring to Liam as "My Sentinel". That's when it became real to me that we were bonded. It wasn't just something I wanted to happen, it had happened. I was so overcome with emotion I started to cry. I walked to his office and stood in the doorway watching him work at his desk. It took him about five seconds to realize I was there. 

I told him he's my Sentinel and at the same time, with the same words I was asking him if he was mine. He cocked his head in that oh so sexy way he has and just looked at me for a moment before coming across the room and licking the tears from my face. 

And then he said it. "Yours." It wasn't a wishy-washy agreement to make me feel better. This was a fortress built from one word, strong like the Sentinel. I felt so protected and cherished with the big guy's arms around me. He said we are in sync; we're bonded. I asked him to scent mark me again and we went to the bedroom. He was being so careful not to lick or kiss me below the shoulders that I took his head and put it on one of my nipples. I didn't feel much of anything except happy I could do that for him. He kissed his way down to my bellybutton. Now that I liked, and things started to stir. It was the first time since being kidnapped that I had felt anything in that area other then the need to pee. He noticed, being a Sentinel of course he noticed. But I didn't get a full erection, just a warm pleasant feeling, and he was kind enough not to go beyond a kiss and a couple of licks. Now I have some hope that I will be able to fully respond to him. I just need time. 

* * *

Personal Log 

August 26, 2007 Morning 

Wow! I have a lot to say about what has happened since my last journal entry. 

Last evening we went to Jim's for dinner. Luke was okay with me leaving the scent marking on him. I could see Jim relax as soon as he picked up my scent on my Guide. Blair was scent marked also. It was typical Sentinel behavior, each of us letting the other know the boundaries. We had a wonderful dinner, no awkward silences with Blair around. Blair is a very kind and warm person. He talked about his anthropologic degree and his Sentinel studies. He delivered a lot of information. I'm sure it was his way of letting my Guide know things he may not know in a positive and friendly atmosphere. 

Jim told me, in private while I helped him with clearing the table, that Blair would like to have a friendship with Luke. He was feeling me out on the idea. I said I didn't mind but I thought it would be better if we stuck to couples for a while. I wasn't ready to let my Guide out of my sight. Jim said he understood, he told me Blair felt a kinship to Luke, due to what had happened. 

It seems Blair's mother was quite a free sprit and Blair was passed around from relative to relative while growing up. I didn't quite understand why Blair felt that made him kin to Luke, except that kind of pillar to post upbringing must have wounded Blair and he understood my guide's need to heal. Jim said, now that Luke and I are bonded, he feels it would be good for Luke to see what a long term Sentinel/Guide relationship is like and I agree. So now we have a couple to socialize with. 

I like Jim and Blair. I wish Jim could have been my mentor when my Sentinel abilities came online. But I was living in Boston at the time and Jim was newly bonded to Blair anyway. Plus the fact that only un-bonded Sentinels take on mentor duties. 

When we got home there was a message on the answering machine. Mom is coming to visit. She was a little disappointed I didn't tell her right away that I had found a Guide. It seems my ex, Margo, called her. My Guide was a little anxious when he heard the message, but I told him about Mom and he relaxed. I tried to call and tell her to wait on coming, but Pete, my father's Guide, answered the phone and said that her plane took off ten minutes ago. It's a six-hour flight from Boston so I decided to get a little sleep before going to the airport to pick her up. 

The ride home was interesting, Margo never told Mom how I found my Guide. She made it seem as if I deliberately went out and looked for him. So Mom asked, point blank, with her warm, happy, sweet voice... "How did you two meet?" 

There was an awkward silence for a moment and then I told her I rescued him from Guide trafficking pirates. Mom knew what that meant. She didn't ask questions, she didn't have to. She undid her seat belt and reached over the back of the car seat; she touched my Guide, skin-to-skin, and said. "I am so sorry you had to go through that; I'm glad Liam rescued you and that you've joined our family." I never loved my mother more than I did in that moment. 

She is in the kitchen now, making breakfast for us. 

* * *

Guide's Journal 

8/25/07 

We had a wonderful dinner last night with Jim and Blair. We talked a lot, some small talk, but mostly about Blair's Sentinel studies. He told me some things I didn't know, which I suspect was the whole point of asking us over for dinner. I like Blair and Jim, I felt comfortable being with them. I think we will see them again, socially I mean. 

The real big news is Liam's mother is here. I was anxious about her coming when I heard the message on the answering machine. Then Liam explained his Mom to me. 

She was a basket baby, left on the doorstep of a Sentinel and his Guide. Anyway, the couple adopted her. She was showered with attention and had a very happy childhood. She married and fourteen months later her husband's Sentinel abilities were triggered. When her husband took a Guide she welcomed him into the family. The three of them share a bed and Liam has a half sister, fathered by Peter, his Dad's Guide. As far as Mom is concerned, my Sentinel said, she has two husbands that she loves. He said she would not be sympathetic to his ex wanting me to go. He was sure she was coming to give her support. She is only going to stay two nights, her choice, I think she just wants to make sure Liam isn't grieving over that bitch. 

She is a wonderful person but she did not know how he found me. Margo never filled her in on that. My Sentinel didn't give his Mom any details; he just told her that he had rescued me from Guide traffickers; that was enough. I guess being brought up by a Sentinel and married to a Sentinel she knew what that meant. She put her hand on me and said she was sorry that I had to go through that. She said that she was glad that I was rescued and now part of the family. 

I don't know what will happen tonight with Mom in the house. I was just barely responding to my Sentinel and now "Mom's" here. She told me that she was more than comfortable with me calling her Mom, but if calling her Mom made me uncomfortable, I could call her Eve. I call her Mom. 

* * *

**CHAPTER 6**

Personal Log 

August 26, 2007 

Today I heard the most beautiful sound of my life; _My Guide laughed_! He was with Mom in the kitchen, helping her clean up from breakfast, and she was telling him that god-awful story of when the dog ate her meatloaf. Well, I don't suppose I can call that story god-awful any more. It made my Guide laugh, and here I thought Mom would get in the way of our bonding. She always said laughter was the best medicine and if anyone knows how to apply it, it's Mom. Luke really likes her. 

We went into Seattle today. Mom wanted to see the Space Needle and she had heard about the underground tour. I was a little apprehensive of taking the tour because of Luke. I thought going underground might have a negative effect on him, but he was really anxious to show Mom a good time. 

She touches him a lot, nothing overt, just a pat on the hand or a little squeeze of the fingers when she laughs while telling a story. She took his arm when we crossed the streets, I could see her fingers moving up and down the back of his hand as they walked together. "Help this old lady," she had told him. 

"You'll never be old, Mom" he told her. "You're too young at heart to get old." 

Charm is a side of my Guide I hadn't seen before. I love it. 

I could be jealous and possessive, even though it is my mom touching my Guide, but I know she is doing it to help him heal. Guides are empathic and _need_ touch. Touch will pull him out of his depression and little by little, step-by-step, he is coming out of it. Although the baby steps he was taking seem to be getting bigger since Mom arrived. Maybe it's because she doesn't want anything from him, sex wise, and even though he knows I am willing to go at his pace he still knows I want it. 

We had lunch at a seaside restaurant, took Mom to a few stores they don't have in Boston and then we called it a day. 

Mom is leaving tomorrow; she is taking the noon flight out so we will leave for the airport around 8:30 tomorrow morning. 

Oh yes, I almost forgot to note it. There is one other effect my mom has had on my Guide, no nightmare last night. 

I scent marked him again. He was a bit self-conscious with mom in the house but I reminded him she is not a Sentinel and both bedroom doors were closed and Mom is no prude. 

* * *

Guide's Journal 

8/26/07 

We had a wonderful day yesterday. "Mom" told me lots of stories about my Sentinel when he was a boy. The funniest one was the time that Liam's dog, Pepper, ate Mom's meatloaf. It was supposed to be their dinner, but the dog downed the whole thing. Dogs should not eat spicy food, it gives them gas, and an hour later he erupted. The Sentinel, (Liam's Dad) Bill, had a difficult time coping with the smell. They put the dog outside and used fans and air freshener to no avail. Peter, the guide, had to continually instruct Bill to turn down his scent dial. They had to move out of the house and into a hotel for 2 weeks. Bill had the wall-to-wall carpet pulled up and replaced with hardwood floors and all the upholstered furniture, and drapes were donated to the Salvation Army and replaced. The wallpaper was stripped from the walls and the walls were painted. After that Pepper was no longer allowed in the kitchen and he was trained to eat only on command. I laughed out loud as she told the story. It was the first time I had laughed since being kidnapped. It felt good. 

We spent the day in Seattle. We went to the top of the Space Needle, of course, and did the tourist thing with pictures and we took the underground tour. We all had crab legs at a seaside restaurant for lunch and then did some shopping. It was a wonderful day. I felt happy and the happiness carried over into the night. _No nightmare_ I slept through the whole night in my Sentinel's arms. 

Today Mom is going to show me how to cook Liam's favorite food and desert. She has really helped to pull me back into life, as it should be. But she leaves tomorrow morning. I will miss her but I know that I have made some real progress. She has taught me that I can put what happened behind me and have a good life and for that I am very grateful. 

* * *

Eve's Journal 

August 26, 2007 

I'm at Liam's home. Yes, his home. Finally I can call it a home and not "Liam's place". I was worried that he would be upset about Margo's tantrum but I should have known better. His whole focus is on his Guide. I must say I am glad they broke up. I never felt she was right for him. She was only interested in hitching herself to a star. Am I being too much of a Mom referring to Liam as a star? I don't think so, he is a star but his ambitions don't lie on the same path as hers. She wants a Sentinel that will go into politics; she wants to be a senator's wife and I think she has aspirations to be first lady. I don't think Liam is interested in politics. He just wants to be the best Sentinel he can be. Well, good riddance to Margo, I refuse to waste another moment on that one. 

Liam has bonded with a Guide named Luke. He is a very nice young man. I like him. Liam rescued him from traffickers. He didn't say how long Luke had been with them, I hope it wasn't long. Bill has rescued move than a few Guides in his career. He spent a lot of time re-bonding with Peter whenever he came back from one of those raids. It takes a special Sentinel to claim a Guide that has been wounded in that way. But it is not just the mom in me that knows Liam is special. 

The weather was quite good yesterday. The sky was blue and clear. We took advantage of it and drove into Seattle. The view from the top of the Space Needle was magnificent. We also took the underground tour of Seattle, had crab leg lunch by the sea and did some shopping. 

I find myself drawn to Luke. I touch him as much as I can. If there is one thing I learned from my up bringing it is the importance of touch. Luke doesn't pull away, which is a good sign, but he doesn't respond with a return touch. I noticed he doesn't return Liam's touches either. But he did start responding to me verbally. When I asked him to "help this old lady across the street," he told me I was too young at heart to ever get old. Have I mentioned how much I like this young man? I've already started to love him as a son. I told him he could call me Mom and he does. I am very glad that Liam brought him into our family. 

Today I am going to show Luke how to cook Liam's favorite meal, including desert. I have to leave early tomorrow morning to catch my plane back to Boston. I am glad I came; it has put my mind at rest. Luke and his Guide will be fine. I can feel it in my bones. 

* * *

**CHAPTER 7**

Personal Log 

August 30, 2007 

I've betrayed my guide. ... There it is; I've written it, blue ink on white paper. For days I've been avoiding writing an entry in my personal log; he said if I wrote it down I would be able to see it for what it is. 

"It's not a betrayal," he told me. "You did what you had to do; you did the right thing." 

Well I'm looking at it... blue words on white paper... and I don't feel any different. 

It happened on the 27th. We took Mom to the airport and came home for lunch. We were in the kitchen cleaning up, just talking about Mom's visit, when I saw his head turn and he stared at the apartment door. 

I could feel the sudden tension in him a red alert blared inside my head. "What is it?" I asked him as I went to get my gun out of lock-up. 

"A Sentinel is coming here, and he's in bad shape," he told me in Guide voice. It was the first time I had heard that timber to his voice, that sound that goes directly to a Sentinel's psyche. 

"What do you mean, bad shape?" I asked as I slammed a clip into my gun and loaded a bullet into the chamber. 

"He's on a knife's edge," he told me, "nearly rogue, not over the edge, but close." 

I didn't question him about how he knew, or whether he could be mistaken. There was a Sentinel on the way, and I could hear the elevator climbing up. There was no doubt in my mind that it would stop at our floor and the Sentinel that got off of it would come to our door. 

All my dials were turned up full as I leaned my face against the crack of the door. I heard the elevator stop...I heard the elevator doors slide open...I heard soft footsteps walk down the carpeted hall. My nostrils flared as I tried to pick up the Sentinel's scent, tried to figure out why a Sentinel in distress would come here. I picked up his scent and ran it through my mental catalogue of known Sentinels. And then I had it... it was Connor. 

Connor is the young Sentinel that I had mentored before filing a declaration of intent to bond with Luke, that's when Sentinel Rafe took over mentor duties. Connor's abilities had come on-line about 4 months ago and I had been his mentor for the first three months of his life as a Sentinel. Now he was here at my door, knocking and calling my name, and stressed out nearly to the breaking point. 

I told him I was a newly bonded Sentinel, he would have to go to his new mentor, Rafe. 

"Rafe's been shot," he told me. I didn't have to be a Sentinel to hear the stress in is voice. It explained why he had come to me, and the scent of blood I had picked up. 

"You can't leave him out there," Luke told me. 

I told them both I was calling Sentinel Ellison. Ellison is the Sentinel Affairs liaison officer and could order a new mentor immediately, instead of the usual 2 day wait...Ellison wasn't there, he was out on a case and Simon was at the hospital with Rafe, both unreachable. I called the Sentinel/Guide Hospital but the woman was no help. The only healer in Cascade was tending to Rafe. She told me the chances of Connor accepting a third mentor in his condition was nearly zero. It was far more likely that the appearance of a strange Sentinel would push him over the edge. She said the best option was for me to stabilize him. I left a message for Jim; she assured me she would get it to him as soon as possible. It's all I could do. 

Connor was knocking at the door again. "Liam, please, I...." His voice faded into sobs. 

"You hear that?" my Guide said. "He is going to go rogue any minute. You have to let him in before he completely loses control and you have to take him down." 

"I can't let him in," I told him. "In his state it's instinct to go for a Guide, and if he touches you I'll kill him." 

My guide came over and put his hands on my face, he leaned in so that we were touching forehead to forehead. "No, you won't," he said, quietly and still using his Guide voice. "You belong to me, you're the only Sentinel I want. I want him out of our life, alive and well, not haunting us from a grave. The only way out is in, so let him in." 

I heard my Dad's voice in my head. "Guide logic," he said with a huff. 

"Guide wisdom," my Mother's voice answered with reverence. 

I let Luke slide my gun out of my hand. He held it at the ready in case it was needed and I let Connor in. 

Connor stepped through the door. He was a mess, with blood on his clothes and hands. His nostrils flared, his eyes darkened and he turned his head toward Luke. "Guide," he said in a breathy whisper as he tried to take a step. 

I used Connor's body to slam the door shut. My knee pressed against his groin, one arm across his chest and one hand with a tight grip on his throat. "Touch my guide and I will kill you." 

Connor's eyes cleared and he turned his head toward me. "Liam," he said, "Rafe's been shot." 

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly and dropped my hand from his throat. "Tell me exactly what happened," I said. 

"Our informer told us a shipment of drugs was coming into the country, so we went down to the docks. The info was good, so we called for back up and took up defensive positions to wait. I..." Connor's head turned toward my Guide. 

I grabbed his face, "Connor, look at me concentrate." 

He looked back into my eyes and slid down to sit on the floor his back still pressed against the door. 

I bent down in front of him and looked into his eyes. "Connor, I have to take your gun," I told him. "I'm going to have my Guide lock it up with my Gun. Do you understand me, Connor?" 

Connor swallowed and nodded his head. I unsnapped his holster, removed his gun, I could smell it had been fired. I slid it across the floor to Luke. "Lock them both up," I told him. 

Connor turned his head to watch Luke as he walked to the gun cabinet. "Connor, look at me and concentrate," I said squeezing his cheeks with one hand, enough to make his mouth pucker. "Tell me exactly what happened." 

"I didn't see the look-out, I didn't hear him or catch his scent. Rafe was concentrating on the warehouse, trying to figure out how many were inside. I was supposed to have his back and then there was a shot and Rafe went down." 

"You returned fire," I said. 

"Yes, but I didn't get him. I had to stay with Rafe and put pressure on the wound and they got away." 

"You did the right thing. It's not your fault." 

Connor looked at me and then he zoned. 

"He's zoned," Luke said as he walked back into the room. "We have to bring him out of it and get him stabilized or he could go into a coma." 

"The only way to get him stabilized is with a bond. I'm not letting you bond with him." 

"Not me," Luke said. "You. A Sentinel-to-Sentinel bond will stabilize him long enough to get him to a healer." 

And there it was, my choice, bond with another, an act that could destroy our fragile link and cause my Guide emotional pain, or let Connor go into a coma and die. I knew if he slipped into a coma that the chances of bringing him out of it were very small. Only one in nine Sentinels are brought back from a zone coma. 

"Please," Luke said. "Don't let him come between us, don't let him die." 

But he already had come between us, the moment he had stepped into the building and Luke felt him coming to me, Connor was between us. My choice was clear, if I bond with Connor and stabilized him, I would risk breaking the bond with my Guide. If the bond broke, my Guide would feel abandoned and that was an emotional pain my wounded Guide did not need. Or let Connor die and become a permanent wall between us. My Guide would blame himself for my failure to act. We could rebuild our bond but Connor's death would be a much bigger obstacle to us. 

I slapped Connor's face and called to him. It took a few seconds but he came out of the zone. I took him to the shower and got in with him. I washed the blood from him and brought him to the guest bedroom, the room my mother had stayed in. She had stripped the bed that morning and there before me was the naked pillow top mattress, the look of it is burned into my memory. The shiny white material, the shapes the quilt stitching made over the top of the mattress and the accordion pleat along the edge. Mom had left three thick, white, fluffy pillows, without pillowcases, stacked against the headboard. I laid him down on the unmade bed. There was no time to deal with luxuries like sheets and pillowcases. I tried to maintain my link with my Guide but the Sentinel-to-Sentinel bond with Connor wasn't working. I had to shift my focus to Connor. 

It was the hardest decision I have ever made, the decision to let go of the link with my Guide. There was a moment of intense emotional pain as I slipped out of the bond with Luke. It wasn't difficult at all to refocus on Connor. We had bonded before, out of mutual need. It had happened three weeks after I became his mentor. We were called to a domestic dispute, but we were too late. The husband had killed his wife and two children and then shot himself. We heard that last shot as we pulled up to the curb. That night we found comfort in each other's arms. It is not unusual for a mentor and his protge to bond Sentinel-to-Sentinel, that's why only Sentinels without Guides take on mentor duties. Now he had come to me again to ease his pain. I held him close as I slid into him, I kissed him and told him it wasn't his fault and he clung to me. It didn't take long for us to reach our climax. 

"Liam," he said as I pulled out of him, "I love you." 

And I answered, "I love you too, Connor." And therein lies my guilt and my betrayal. It is not that I bonded with a Sentinel to keep him alive, but that I love the young, rash, striving to do his best and judging himself to be always falling short, Sentinel and he loves me. 

* * *

Guide's Journal 

8/30/07 

I sent Liam into the study to write in his log. He's been avoiding it since the bond with Connor. I know he feels guilty about what happened, but I also know he is not responsible for the sequence of events that led up to the decision to save Connor's life, the only way he could, with a Sentinel-to-Sentinel bond. 

He says he doesn't deserve me. I told him too bad because he is still mine just like I told him he would be. He feels he has betrayed me. He hasn't. He did what he had to do. 

He hasn't scent marked me since... So, I slipped out of bed at 2AM this morning and called Mom. It wasn't difficult, we're not linked anymore, and he didn't even notice I was gone. It was 5AM in Boston and Sentinel Johnson answered the phone. He wouldn't let me talk to Eve until I told him what was going on. I had no choice, I told him and he said he would come and talk some sense into his son's head. No need to pick him up at the airport, he said he would rent a car and then he hung up. I never got a chance to talk to Mom; I hope he brings her too, I think I need her. I haven't told Liam yet; I will tell him as soon as he finishes writing in his log. 

The nightmares have returned, but my Sentinel doesn't wake with me anymore. He holds me, but he doesn't purr for me and I miss it. I know it is only the third day since our bond broke, but he's been patient with me so now I have to be patient with him. I have an unshakable feeling that there is more to this than the Sentinel-to-Sentinel bond. If I don't see it as a betrayal why does he? 

I have been in touch with Blair. Rafe is doing fine, no vital organs were hit. The bullet nicked an artery so his biggest danger was bleeding out, but Connor kept pressure on the wound and they got him to the hospital in time. Blair said that Rafe doesn't blame Connor for what happened. Even an experienced Sentinel has trouble at the docks with all the scents and echoes from the metal crates and the constant sound of ships loading and unloading, for a Sentinel filtering his senses is very difficult without a Guide. 

* * *

**SENIOR SENTINEL WILLIAM JOHNSON IV.**

Log Entry 

August 30, 2007 

My son's Guide called at 5AM this morning and asked to speak with my wife. The Guide must be hurting to call us and I feel it is my duty both as a Sentinel and a father to respond. I'm arranging for a private flight to Seattle. (Rank has its privileges.) We should be at his home by early afternoon. Apparently the bond with his Guide was broken when my son found it necessary to bond, Sentinel-to-Sentinel, with a past protge. I will be bringing my guide, Peter, and my wife. Between the three of us we should be able to get the pair back on track. I cannot log a possible return date. Hopefully this crisis will be short lived. 

* * *

**CHAPTER 8**

Personal Log 

August 31, 2007 

Dad, Mom and Peter arrived yesterday after noon. Luke called them. I can't say as I blame him. He doesn't understand my reluctance in re-establishing our bond. 

The first thing Dad and I did was argue, of course; he wanted to take me out for a walk so we could talk in private, but I told him there was no way I would leave my Guide without a Sentinel guard. I thought that that would end the "walk with me" that he wanted but he solved the problem by calling the Sentinel liaison officer, which just happens to be Jim. 

I protested the action saying that a Senior Sentinel should not be pulled from his duties to baby-sit another Sentinel's Guide. Dad took exception to my remark and told me that Sentinels did not baby-sit Guides, Sentinels protect and guard Guides, a duty that I had apparently abandoned. Luke jumped into the conversation at that point and told my father in no uncertain terms that I had not abandoned him. To which my father asked in his firm "Sentinel knows best" voice, "Then why did you call me?" Luke replied, "I didn't call you, I called Mom." At that point Mom took Luke to our bedroom and Peter told us we had both better get our emotions under control before doing any further harm to Luke. Both dad and I could hear Luke softly crying in the bedroom. "He hasn't abandoned me," Luke told my Mom, over and over, pleading with her to believe him even though she told him she did. It sounded as if he was trying to convince himself and it broke my heart. So, I went to my Guide and held him and told him how proud I was of him standing up to my father. I told him I knew Senior Sentinels that would have had difficulty doing what he did. Mom left the bedroom and closed the door to give us privacy. Luke wanted to lay on the bed with me instead of sitting on the edge but it was too much for me, so I told him we had to go back into the living room to wait until Jim and Blair arrived. 

I am sure Blair felt the tension as soon as he entered the apartment. He didn't wait for introductions; he went to Luke immediately and began stroking him. Dad raised his eyebrows and looked at Jim with disapproval. Jim glared back, silently telling Dad 'my guide, my business.' Dad, knowing that he had been hasty in his judgment, sent a silent apology, via body language, to Jim which Jim graciously accepted, also via body language. The whole exchange took less than 30 seconds. 

Dad and I left the apartment. We walked in silence for a few minutes; it was Dad that broke the silence. "So tell me, son, why are you so torn up by this?" 

I hadn't expected that. I thought I was going to get a lecture on my duty to my Guide not a father son talk. Dad saw the surprised look on my face. 

"There is only one reason why you would not re-establish a bond with your Guide, you're in pain, terrible emotional pain, and you don't want to burden your already wounded Guide with it." 

I looked down at my feet and watched black shoes against white cement as we trod along the sidewalk. 

Father sighed. "You may as well tell me now," he said. "You know I won't let this go. I promise not to judge you." 

I had no choice; father was nothing if not tenacious. "I told him I loved him," I whispered. 

"Who, your Guide?" father asked. 

"No. Connor, the Sentinel I'm bonded to. I just want to get these feeling under control before I re-establish the bond with Luke." 

"By under control, you mean gone?" he asked. 

I told him that is exactly what I meant. 

"I don't think you can wait twenty years to re-bond with your Guide," father said. 

I asked him what the hell he was talking about. 

"That's how long it will take to fade," he told me. He said it would be ten years before I have a day with out feeling the bond and fifteen years before I have more days without feeling it then feeling and it would take twenty years before it will have faded to a memory. 

Something about the way he told me, I knew he was talking from experience, but I questioned him anyway. "How could you know?" I asked him. "You were already married to mom when your abilities came on line, you never took a protge." 

Dad had a mentor and the stress of dealing with his hyper senses and having a pregnant wife with all the emotional ups and downs a pregnant woman goes through day-to-day got to him. The mentor stabilized him with Sentinel-to-Sentinel bonds. Dad needed it more than once. They were together for seven months. Then his mentor took a Guide. I was born and Dad claimed Peter as his Guide three months later. 

"And you fell in love with your mentor?" I asked. 

"I don't know about falling in love with him," my dad said, "but I sure loved him. There were times when I would have lost my sanity if it weren't for him." 

I told him it seems odd that it happened to both of us. That's when dad dropped his bombshell. "It happens to most of us and it is a good thing too, or we would kill each other off. If we all had a Guide to stabilize us we wouldn't need a Sentinel-to-Sentinel bond. But with the Guide shortage we have to bond with each other. I'm willing to bet the Sentinels who became traffickers either never had a mentor or didn't love him. All those tests you took when your abilities manifested were to match you with the right mentor, one that you would come to love." 

I never knew that part of it, but it was true I did love my mentor, and to think of it I still do. But we had never bonded, physically, and so it never reached the intensity of feeling that Connor and I have, but I do love him like a brother. 

Dad asked me if I need Connor, I told him no, I need my Guide, but that didn't keep me from loving Connor. So then Dad asked me if I love my Guide and I told him I did. I told him about the first time I saw Luke, how he fought to keep the pirates from escaping with the Guides. I told him I had to find some way to get my feelings under control. If I re-bond with Luke he will know that I love Connor and I can't hurt him like that. 

So Dad gave me some advice. "Trust your Guide, he'll find a way to be happy for you." 

I told him I couldn't see how. 

"Guide logic," Dad said. "Sentinel's may not understand it but Guides do and sometimes it comes in damn handy." 

* * *

Guide's Journal 

8/31/07 

Mom did come and so did the Guide, Peter. We had a bit of a stressful incident when Sentinel Johnson accused Liam of abandoning his duty to me. I took offence with that and told the Senior Sentinel so. He tried to patronize me but I wouldn't have it. Mom took me into the bedroom and Peter talked to the two Sentinels. I was in tears with the thought that Sentinel Johnson would make such a harsh accusation about his son. Liam came into the bedroom to tell me he was proud of me. But he wouldn't stay in the bedroom alone with me. 

Jim and Blair came because Liam refused to leave the apartment unless a Sentinel was here to watch over me. At first I thought Jim and Bill were going to fight, but the moment passed. Blair was very touchy-feely with me. It felt good to be touched by a Guide, different than being touched by my Sentinel, but good. It makes me wonder if two Guides have ever bonded, but I don't think I want to open that can of worms. 

I told them the whole story; about how the situation with Connor was critical and I didn't want Connor's death to come between Liam and me. I told them I encouraged Liam to bond with Connor and that I didn't understand how Liam could look at it as a betrayal. It wasn't a casual fling; he had done what needed to be done. How could Liam think I would blame him for that? I told them that I felt as if there were more to it. I told them that I feared that Liam felt betrayed by me because I encouraged the Sentinel-to-Sentinel bond and perhaps he didn't truly want me anymore but was reluctant to send me away because of his Sentinel duty to a Guide. 

Peter talked to me a lot about Sentinels. He said that no Sentinel would look on what I did as a betrayal to my bond. He told me that Sentinels are very different then most people. He said that Sentinels are givers, for the most part, but the down side of that is that they need to replenish their energy, so they are also very needy. He said that few Sentinels would admit, in words, how deep their need goes. Guides know it instinctively but ask the public and they will most likely tell you that Guides are no more than trusted advisors. 

Blair agreed with that. He said historically Sentinels have been looked on as alpha males, strong and in charge. It is what the community wants, someone that they can trust to protect them. It is only with his Guide, or under certain circumstances another Sentinel, that a Sentinel can express his need. 

Both Guides agreed that if Liam was not renewing the bond it was because he was trying to protect me from something. Peter said Sentinel logic and Guide logic were not always the same and just because I felt there was no betrayal didn't mean that Liam could see it from my point of view. Blair told me I should trust my instincts and if I felt that there was something Liam wasn't telling me I needed to confront him about it and not try to guess what it is. He told me that Jim is not the talkative type, Sentinels rarely are, and he often has to confront him when he "clams up". 

Peter added that, that would probably not change. Bill still had to be confronted when he needed to talk things out, but he could always tell because Bill would sit at his desk drumming his pen on his log when he needed to talk. Blair smiled and said that Jim would pace. I said that you would think after all this time they would learn to go to their Guide and say; we need to talk. 

"That's not what Sentinels do," Blair and Peter said simultaneously. The three of us laughed. 

Mom came into the room with a tray of hot chocolate and asked what we were laughing about. Peter told her that he and Blair had been comparing Guide notes. 

Mom said she liked Jim and that Blair and Jim were very fortunate to have found each other. Then she went back out to the living room to keep Jim company. But I think the real reason was to keep Jim from eavesdropping on our conversation. 

It occurred to me that if Bill and Liam were not talkers then they were probably just walking around the streets of Cascade listening to the wind blow. 

Peter said that I shouldn't worry about that, because if there was anything those two liked more than keeping their silence it was fighting with each other. I told him that Liam was lucky to have two dads. Peter pulled me into a hug and told me that he was lucky too because now he had two wonderful sons. 

It made me feel good to know that I was still considered part of the family, even though our bond had broke, and that Peter believed that Liam and I would re-bond. 

* * *

**CHAPTER 9**

Personal Log 

September 1, 2007 

Father, mother and Peter left this morning and once more I am alone with my Guide. It didn't take him long to confront me about the problem I am having. It really surprised me that he would be so forceful about this, but I shouldn't have been surprised. It was his strength in the face of adversity that attracted me to him in the first place. Now he fights for us and this time there will be no dislocated shoulder or stress fracture of the wrist, like he got while fighting the pirates. Those kinds of injuries are not what I am afraid of; my fear lies deeper. I fear a dislocated psyche and a stress-fractured soul. 

Father said trust my Guide, he will find a way to be happy for you. I have wracked my brain trying to find a path to such an outcome, but I don't see how one can exist. If my Guide loved another it would tear me apart. 

I neither want nor need Connor and yet I love him; I know without a doubt that should he come to me again I will not hesitate to fill his need. I wonder why this second bond is so much stronger than the first. When Connor and I turned to each other in mutual need we gained a depth of friendship that we did not have before, I felt his warmth in my soul, like a candle always burning and giving its comfort and light. That candle enhanced my life, it made me stronger, it caused no doubt. 

But this last time was different. Connor was the one in need; there was no mutual give and take. I gave; he took. Does that mean what Mother says is true? Is it our imperfections that make us lovable? It was Connor's inability to cope with Rafe being shot that made him come to me. Was it that weakness that endeared him to me? 

And what of my guide? Why did I fall so suddenly in love with him? It wasn't an imperfection I saw when he fought so valiantly, it was his strength that I saw and loved. And what now? Have I, as father suggested, lost faith in that strength? 

I asked Mother once how she could love two men so deeply. She told me love is not finite; you don't have a pie's worth to cut up and pass around and then it is gone. Love is not a matter of: the more people you love the less love everyone gets. She said that love is a river; the more you love the more the river flows and the more you have to give. So I asked; "if that is true why do so few Sentinels have both a wife and Guide?" "Because," Mother said, "they never learned how to float." 

I never thought of it before, but she said float not swim. Is that what I am trying to do, swim against the current instead of floating with it? Did Mom float on a river of love all the times that Dad needed to renew his bond with Peter? Does Luke know how to float? Will he float for me? Can I learn to stop swimming against the current and float on a river of love for Luke? 

* * *

Guide's Journal 

9/1/07 

We are alone together again and I confronted him. It didn't do any good. He looked surprised for a moment and then he said he needed more time to get his thoughts together. He is in the study now writing in his log. Maybe I am taking the wrong direction; maybe I should confront him with my fears. Does he still want me? Did I force him into raping himself by pushing him into a bond with Connor? Does he still love me? Or has the broken bond changed his point of view, is he having second thoughts about claiming a wounded Guide? 

Or am I so distressed that my thoughts no longer make sense? 

Peter said that no Sentinel would blame me for my part in the Sentinel-to-Sentinel bond. But I sent my Sentinel to bond with another when I knew our link was still incomplete. How can I not take some of the blame for what has happened? Or is this just my ego working overtime? Grandfather told me once that whenever someone considers themselves the best of the best or the worst of the worst that it is their ego talking. In reality we are all in the middle. 

I can't go on like this. It hurts too much. I need to know if he is deciding whether or not he still wants me. If that is the question in his mind I will leave this place today, I will give him an easy way out. Our bond is broken, if he wants it to stay that way then so be it. It will tear me apart to walk away but if that is what my Sentinel wants that is what I will do. As soon as he is finished writing in his journal I will make him answer at least that one question. 

* * *

Eve's Diary 

Sept. 1, 2007 

We are back home in Boston again. 

My husband tells me that Liam loves the Sentinel he has bonded with and fears that re-bonding with his Guide, while the feelings for Connor are so strong, will cause Luke too much pain. 

I knew it had to be something like that. Liam was so committed to Luke when I was there, it just doesn't make sense that he would avoid a re-bond for any other reason than to protect his Guide. My husband explained that the bond with Connor wouldn't fade for twenty years and he needed to trust his Guide. We've said everything that could be said to help Liam and Luke to re-bond; the rest is up to them. If I don't hear from them in 24 hours I will call and lay down the law. The men have had enough time to deal with this. If Liam can't get off the fence then a kick in the pants by Mom may be just what he needs. He always did listen to me. I hope it won't be necessary. 

I met a wonderful Sentinel and his Guide while in Cascade. Jim Ellison, the Sentinel Liaison Officer came to the apartment to watch over Luke while Bill and Liam took a walk and talked things out. His Guide, Blair Sandburg is a warm and caring person. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he had healing abilities. Jim told me, that he and Blair, as a couple, had offered friendship to Liam and Luke and that Liam accepted. Sentinels are so formal sometimes. Well, I refuse to be out done by a Sentinel, so I asked if he and Blair were committed to helping Liam and Luke re-bond. He said they were. So I told him that getting involved with bonding is something a family would do and that I would expect them to attend the family reunion this summer in Boston. 

Jim looked at me for a moment and asked if I were a Guide. Meaning of course that I am a bit on the bossy side. I laughed and told him my history. Anyway we will have three new family members this year at the reunion. I know Blair would love to meet my daughter, Zo, and her Sentinel. And having three new family members attend will save Luke from being so over whelmed. 

* * *

Peter's Log 

September 1, 2007 

We are home again. The trip was stressful but we had to go. I like Luke, he has a good feel to him but he is in a lot of distress over his bond with Liam. 

I know that Liam thinks he is trying to protect his Guide but he is failing. You can't protect the living from life. Luke is committed to Liam. In spite of all the difficulties, I can feel it when I talk with him. I told Luke to stop second guessing the problem and confront Liam, make him talk. I didn't get any time to talk to Liam alone. Bill considers this a Sentinel problem and he is Liam's biological father, as well as his primary Dad, so I had to keep a low profile, but I did whisper to him as I hugged him good-bye. "Your Guide is hurting, he needs you to scent mark him." I could feel Liam's muscles stiffen for a moment before he told me, "Thanks for coming, Peter, I appreciate your help," not exactly the answer I was hoping for. Eve will be calling Liam tomorrow and if he hasn't scent marked Luke by then she will let him know just how much pain he is causing his Guide by delaying. 

* * *

**CHAPTER 10**

Personal Log 

September 2, 2007 

My guide was waiting for me when I finished writing in my journal and came out of the study. He stood there with a determined look on his face; I could hear his heart pounding and the stress in his voice when he asked, "Are you deciding whether or not you want me for your Guide?" I stood there staring at him not believing he could think I was contemplating sending him away. 

He demanded that I answer the question and the look of pain on his face made me realize how selfish I have been. I stood there looking at him, unable to move. My body felt as if it had turned to stone. I was frozen in the realization that my Guide was hurting and I had been too focused on my own concerns to notice my Guide's suffering, it was the worst sin a Sentinel could commit and I had done it under the guise of protecting him. 

A cyclone of thoughts filled my head and I struggled to bring them to order and find the right words, words that would sooth my Guide and answer his question. I saw Luke's lips move and heard the sound of his voice but the meaning of the words were lost as if they were no more then leaves in the wind. I watched him go to the kitchen and then to the bedroom carrying a large black trash bag. I followed him in a daze, struggling to put one leaden foot in front of the other. Not understanding what was happening, I watched him begin to pack the trash bag with his clothes and then it hit me, he was leaving me. 

"No," I whispered. My voice was no more then a croak. I watched as he closed the bag. "No!" I cried, tears rolling down my face. I dropped to my knees and grabbed his legs as he tried to walk by me. "I didn't understand," I told him. "Please you can't leave me. You're my Guide; I need you; I want you." 

He looked down at me, his eyes full of tears; I could smell his fear and determination. I felt the blood pounding through his body. 

"If that is true, if you want me to be your Guide, then forgive me, and scent mark me now. If you can't bring yourself to forgive me, I can't stay." 

I couldn't understand him; forgive him for what? My Guide had done nothing wrong, nothing that required forgiving. I was the one that had betrayed my duty as a Sentinel and failed to care for my Guide. 

"Forgive you? I'm the one that needs forgiving." 

"No," he said, "I pushed you into bonding with Connor. I made you let him use your body at a time when I couldn't give you mine and I did it because I was afraid he would come between us." 

This time his words made sense and everything seemed to click into place. My Guide blamed himself for the Sentinel-to-Sentinel bond. He doesn't know how I feel about Connor. He couldn't bring himself to fully bond with me because the pirates had raped him and now I couldn't bring myself to re-establish our bond. What was he supposed to think? Of course he would think that I suffered the same kind of trauma that he had, that I had been forced by circumstances, and by him, to lay with a man I didn't love. 

Oh God, what have I done? How could I have been so blind and deaf? I reached out and untied his shoe. I slipped it off his foot and slid it under the bed and then I removed his sock and repeated the actions with his other foot. I bent down and kissed his bare feet. He wouldn't be able to leave now, now without crawling under the bed to retrieve his shoes. It would give me time, time to tell him the truth, time to convince him how much I need him. I stood up and pulled him into a hug. And then I told him, I told him the whole truth; I told him that I love Connor but I want, need and love him. I told him I was blind and stupid not to have trusted him with the truth. I asked, begged, him to forgive me and he did; he forgave me. 

He told me he was glad that my bond with Connor was beautiful and full of love and not a burden to bear. I should have known my Guide would know how to float on a river of love. I...should...have...known! Dad told me he would find a way to be happy for me. 

I took the bag of clothes and threw them aside and we tumbled onto the bed together. I intended to scent mark him but I couldn't get enough of him, I took off his clothes and he took off mine. I looked at his naked body and ran my fingers along the contours of his muscles; I tasted his skin. I listened to his heartbeat, his breath as it entered and exited his body and I laid my head on his stomach and heard the grumbling sounds it made. I licked the salt, that the tears had left behind, from his face and he licked the salt from mine. 

We kissed, we hugged, we cried and laughed at the joy of each other and he grew hard. I told him I needed to drink from him. He looked at me, his eyes were so full of joy, contentment and love and he smelled oh so sweet. He said yes and I made love to his beautiful cock with my tongue. The taste of my guide was ambrosia. He cried out as he pumped his juice into my mouth. "Sentinel, please, I need you. Please claim me, Please, Sentinel, claim your Guide. 

I claimed him and it was beautiful. I am his and he is mine, marked, claimed and in sync the bond is fully forged and will never be broken again. 

* * *

Guide's Journal 

9/2/07 

Our bond is secured and locked in. I confronted him again and this time actually packed my clothes. I told him if he couldn't forgive me I would have to leave. That got his attention and he began to talk to me. He didn't want to lose me, he wasn't thinking of how to send me away. He was just focused on not hurting me because he loves Connor the Sentinel he bonded with. It never occurred to him that I would blame myself. I am just glad that the bond with Connor wasn't a horrible experience for him. 

It was beautiful, the bonding. We fell together on the bed, lost in our emotions that we had found each other again. We laughed and cried happy tears, our hearts began to beat in sync once more. He explored my body with his fingers and his lips and it felt good. I got hard for the first time since I had been kidnapped. The playfulness stopped then and he looked at me, so full of need, but asking permission, and prepared to wait if he had to. He asked if he could drink from me and I found that I very much wanted to feed him from my body. I wanted my body to become a part of his and nourish him and give him strength. It was gentle and sweet and reverent as his warm, wet, tongue slid over my organ, seeking to give me pleasure. It would have been enough for him, I am sure he was prepared to stop there and not ask for more, but I wanted and needed more. I needed to complete the bond. When I came into his mouth I cried out my need and he answered it. 

I wish I could find the words to describe what it was like for the full bond to lock into place, but anything I can say would be pale by comparison. He was so gentle and attentive as he prepared me. I felt as if I were a part of a sacred ritual. The pillows were stacked for my comfort, as if he were building a throne for me. His fingers were slow and careful as they stretched me and made me moan with pleasure. He purred for me as he worked. And then he was above me asking for entrance, as if he were an ancient warrior asking for entrance into a temple. I lifted my arms in invitation and he entered. The pleasure was indescribable. The world slipped away and there was only the two of us. Our consciousness seemed to dance, wrapping around each other folding together and becoming one. 

Bond...It is an inadequate word. This was not a bond, two glued together, this was osmosis, two becoming one. I felt everything lock into place, but again lock is another inadequate word. A lock has a jolt to it as it snaps into place but this had no jolt, no snap as if it wasn't locked and now it is. It felt in some ways as if it were always there and all the Sentinel and I had to do was turn our heads to look upon it and recognize it for what it is. We are one and have been one throughout time. 

Yes, Liam loves Connor, and I am aware of it. But somehow, and I am not sure if I can put this into words, the love he has for Connor lifts me up, it makes me buoyant, it makes me float and I feel immersed in love. 

* * *

End 

Personal Log by JoanZ JemZ: joanz.jemz@gmail.com  
Author and story notes above.

Disclaimer: _The Sentinel_ is owned etc. by Pet Fly, Inc. These pages and the stories on them are not meant to infringe on, nor are they endorsed by, Pet Fly, Inc. and Paramount. 


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